Amy’s Story

I am truly humbled that you are reading this page. I am absolutely honored to share “my story” with you. First of all, let me say that the promise of the New Jerusalem – living face-to-face in the presence of my God, my Savior, my very Best-Friend, is something that evokes such strong feelings in me; feelings such as joy, anticipation, gratitude, excitement – to name a few. Ironically, another feeling always accompanies the others as I contemplate what it cost God for me to have the free gift of His eternal life – one of complete unworthiness. I know that the promise of my eternal home has nothing to do with me – as far as my worth or anything that I have done – but everything to do with Jesus. It is by His wounds I have been healed and by His shed blood that I have eternal security. I can accept his salvation freely because it cost Him EVERYTHING.

Second, God is so good – ALL the time! He is the ever-loving, patient Father to His children. From the depths of my heart, I am so thankful for His ways. They are perfect! I was blessed to be raised in a Christian home learning from day one of life about Jesus. Even going back to my earliest memory, I cannot think of a time that I didn’t know Him. When I was half way through my seventh year, I publicly accepted Christ as my Savior and followed in Baptism. I remember that day well (I don’t remember the exact date, but I know it was in February). I stood there with the pastor in front of the congregation as he announced my decision and cried. How blessed I was to know at such an young age that my salvation was secure. The presence of the Lord was so real to me in that moment. That wasn’t the first time I felt His presence and it certainly hasn’t been the last (praise God!).

As all children eventually do, I grew up. I battled all the issues that most kids battle – trying to fit in yet stand out – wanting so badly to be liked but struggling with the compromises that often come with trying to please people. Growing up was hard and looking back I see that while I still had a place for God in my life as I grew up, what he wanted was not a place, but all of me – 100%. The war was on. For the most part (the part that everyone saw) I seemed to be going in the right direction. I survived high school and thought there really wasn’t much of anything that I couldn’t do (after all, isn’t that the message that is instilled in us from the beginning?). With confidence like that one would think I would have big dreams in the corporate world somewhere… but I didn’t. There was nothing I wanted more than to be married and a mother. That was what my heart wanted – and I was going to have it. While I was warned how easy it was to make major mistakes when you’re not seeking and waiting on the Lord, I was confident that those “mistakes” wouldn’t happen to me… of course, not to ME!… Ever heard of divine discipline in the life a child of God? Well, I have experienced it first hand, as I’m sure most of you reading this have as well to some extent or the other… I just hope you weren’t quite as slow to “learn and turn” as I was. (Now, keep in mind as you read this that the word discipline means “instruction” not to beat down or destroy as some might interpret it.)

I married within the first year after graduating high school. While I did manage to go to nursing school to earn my LPN (Licensed Practical Nursing) during my marriage – things didn’t go according to the way I had them worked out in my mind. After three and a half years of marriage, it ended in divorce and -  sadly - I must disclose that it wouldn’t be my last. In the span of four years time, I experienced…  infidelity in my marriage that broke my heart and crushed my (then high) self-esteem, bankruptcy, divorce, remarriage, birth of my first son, the death of my dad (to cancer - actually my step-dad, but he was a dad to me), a second divorce (final when I was eight months pregnant with our second child), birth of my second son, four months later the death of my first son (he drowned at  18 months old)… remarriage, depression, my mother moving far away (who I happened to depend on for almost everything during those days), deeper depression, divorce, again (yes, that’s number three)… DEEP BREATH… and that’s just the highlights.   What I remember most about this time period and the next four years that followed is darkness. A darkness that kept growing darker and caused my heart to become numb. I was tired – tired of hurting, tired of struggling, tired of crying, tired of even the simple act of breathing. I was tired and then I was mad. But mad at who? Not at God… I knew better. No, I was mad at myself – which, truth be told, was something even more difficult to come face-to-face with… the realization that the real problem in my life was me – no one else to blame. But, I was too tired to do anything about it. I did only what I had to do to get through the day and take care of my son.

Amazingly, about this time I met my husband.  Now, you may be saying, “What’s so amazing about that? I don’t think finding a husband was exactly the problem!!!” You are probably right, but this one was different. He didn’t provoke me. I was so angry inside that it came out in such explosive ways with very little spurring. Not long ago, we learned that his name means “broad meadow”.  This may seem to have no significance at all - but that’s what he’s been to me - a place of quietness and rest.  I still to this day really don’t understand what he saw in me – but thankfully he chose to love me. As nice as that was, he couldn’t “fix” my heart. No human could have done that. Depression continued to loom over me like a black cloud that no amount of medication or therapy could cure. And, while there are so many blanks in my memory from during these years, I do specifically remember the day I contemplated – even if only for a few minutes – ending my own life. I don’t think there are adequate words to accurately describe the nightmare I was living in to even consider such a thing.

Then, a small glimmer of hope. I discovered that I was going to be a mother once again but this time to a little girl! My heart was thrilled… and at the same time scared to death. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to care for another little one. I could barely handle life as it was. Even my own mother admits that she was afraid for me. One of the cool things about God, though, is… He’s never afraid. Nor is He ever surprised. He is Sovereign and nothing happens to His child without His permission – THAT we can rest confidently in. Nevertheless, as excited as I was to have a girl, that excitement was soon eclipsed by the darkness that had made itself at home in my heart.

I remember the day my son (who was four at the time) came in to my six-week-old daughter’s room to ask me a question as I was rocking her very well. After he left the room, it occurred to me that this would be the year he started kindergarten. I had memories of kindergarten – I even remember having to stand in the corner once! He was going to be able to recall memories stored in his little mind and heart from here on out. Then, I looked down at my daughter and thought about the relationship with my mom I had been blessed with. We had always been so close and I admired her so much. I wanted to share that kind of relationship with my daughter and thought how wonderful it would feel if she admired me someday and would want to be like me. But… not the way I was sitting there in that moment… not like that. No, I shuttered at the thought of either one of them remembering me that way; miserable, depressed, angry, lonely. Then, it happened… right there sitting in that chair, it was as if I could hear the Lord speak to my heart, “Are you finished living life according to your terms? Are you ready to surrender?” In HIS mirror I could see myself. All those years I had such little faith in the good He had for me and chose to live in my own strength – doing things my way and in my time, the way I thought best for me. And when I had lost my son, even though “technically” his accident wasn’t my fault (or the fault of anyone else), as his mother, I blamed myself. I was supposed to protect him. My heart grieved so deeply over his loss that I could barely stand it. I didn’t need to see anymore… I saw what a miserable wretch I truly was without abiding in Christ. I threw my hands up, knelt before him, confessed my sin of rebellion towards Him and surrendered my heart… my WHOLE heart (even though it was in a million little pieces).

Over the next six months, the changes that He made in my life were phenomenal. He healed my heart COMPLETELY.  He gave me a passion for Him, His Word and for things of Him like never before. My desire to go to heaven soon changed from the hope of seeing my son again to the hope of seeing my Savior face-to-face. The mourning in my heart over my son that was like an old, familiar friend turned to thankfulness to the Lord for having trusted me with such an experience. He truly DOES work out all things for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). All the hollow places in my heart were now filled with the Creator of the Universe! I had never known such satisfaction… EVER!

He is so faithful! He is so good! He is so patient! He is so wise! I am thankful that He “disciplines those He loves” (Heb. 12:6) for if He didn’t care enough to discipline me and allow me to reach the end of the “all-sufficient Amy”, who knows where I’d be today… not here, writing this, I’m sure of that much. In our definition of the word, I’m not perfect, and I know that on this side of heaven I never will be. But in the eyes of God, I am perfect in Christ (Heb. 10:14), am accepted in the Beloved (Eph. 1:6) , and know my purpose. I was created to seek Him, to know Him, to worship Him and to glorify the Father through Christ Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit in all that I do. To me, there is no greater purpose imaginable. I want to run the rest of the race marked out for me with perseverance, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus so that when I reach the end, I will hear Him say to me, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” , receiving a rich welcome into heaven. It is my prayer that the desire of your heart is the same.

God concludes His Word with the New Jerusalem, the river of life and the return of Jesus. Jesus’s last words are, “Yes, I am coming soon.” I echo John as he writes in Rev. 22:20-21, “Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”

“The Spirit and the bride say, ‘Come!’ And let him who hears say, ‘Come!’ Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.” Revelation 22:17